My mind has been polluted and my energy diluted

I've Been Waitin' for Tomorrow (All of My Life) - The The 

I'm heading into my final chemo treatment next week barring any hiccups in my blood counts.    I can now feel the toll that 7 treatments has taken on my body and my mind.     When I have energy it's short lived and no where near the levels I was at just a mere 5 months ago.  I need to balance the days that I get out to hike, garden or run errands with complete down days and I know when I need them.   When I'm tired, I'm really tired.

I don't know if 'chemo brain' really exists but there's something more than age happening to my brain waves. It's definitely there immediately after treatment.  My teens give me that weird look when I try to continue a conversation with them that only started in my mind or question them about something that was clearly chemically induced - polluted with chemical cocktails.   In between treatments it might be that I've lowered my stress levels so that I don't worry myself about remembering things.    My trusty Blackberry keeps me on task.

I'm so happy to have made this this far with only a few minor bumps along the way.   I wouldn't say that chemo is easy for everyone or even for me, but just a matter of taking it in stride and letting the drugs do what they are intended to do.   I'm happy to get a refresh on my hair but then really we all lose our hair on a daily basis so it's really not that strange.  Chemo just makes it fast forward a bit.  

Now I'm 'waiting for tomorrow' - wanting to move on to the next stage of my treatment.  The last stage of a report, project or schedule is almost the most difficult for me.  I always see myself at the next stage.    So now I am 'dreaming' of surgery (August) followed by radiation (September-October).

Surgery won't drag out for weeks, other than recovery so it's the most attractive part of my treatment right now, although it will be the one that has the most of a long term effect on me.    I will be going through likely a bilateral mastectomy; loosing the boobs - 'going flat' for a period until I make a final decision on reconstruction which may never occur.  I can think of many a blog to write about that as it will be a very personal process.    A change in image but also I hope a sense of freedom.  Most importantly it will allow me to leave my 'defective breasts' behind and move on.

My breasts:  Through the process of 20 years of mammograms (boy could I tell you some stories), ultrasounds, needle biopsies and doctors' visual examination of my breasts I've been told that they are 'immature', 'dense', 'unremarkable' and since my lumpectomy in January the right one has been stated as 'slightly deformed'.  I have this all in writing on my doctors' reports as a reminder now and then.  I don't take it to heart; certainly my self image is not based on my breasts, but my breasts have taken not only the physical assault of surgery and years of trying to stuff them into uncomfortable bra-like structures, but also this verbal abuse.  I have to feel for them - pretty rough stuff to take.  They've gone through a lot and it's time to end it all.   I'm pretty happy for them - they are retiring and I think it best if they do that together rather than one at a time.     They will be retiring abreast or to stretch a point 'bi-breast'.    I will miss them am o.k. to move on.