I've Been Waitin' for Tomorrow (All of My Life) - The The
I'm heading into my final chemo treatment next week barring any hiccups in my blood counts. I can now feel the toll that 7 treatments has taken on my body and my mind. When I have energy it's short lived and no where near the levels I was at just a mere 5 months ago. I need to balance the days that I get out to hike, garden or run errands with complete down days and I know when I need them. When I'm tired, I'm really tired.
I don't know if 'chemo brain' really exists but there's something more than age happening to my brain waves. It's definitely there immediately after treatment. My teens give me that weird look when I try to continue a conversation with them that only started in my mind or question them about something that was clearly chemically induced - polluted with chemical cocktails. In between treatments it might be that I've lowered my stress levels so that I don't worry myself about remembering things. My trusty Blackberry keeps me on task.
I'm so happy to have made this this far with only a few minor bumps along the way. I wouldn't say that chemo is easy for everyone or even for me, but just a matter of taking it in stride and letting the drugs do what they are intended to do. I'm happy to get a refresh on my hair but then really we all lose our hair on a daily basis so it's really not that strange. Chemo just makes it fast forward a bit.
Now I'm 'waiting for tomorrow' - wanting to move on to the next stage of my treatment. The last stage of a report, project or schedule is almost the most difficult for me. I always see myself at the next stage. So now I am 'dreaming' of surgery (August) followed by radiation (September-October).
Surgery won't drag out for weeks, other than recovery so it's the most attractive part of my treatment right now, although it will be the one that has the most of a long term effect on me. I will be going through likely a bilateral mastectomy; loosing the boobs - 'going flat' for a period until I make a final decision on reconstruction which may never occur. I can think of many a blog to write about that as it will be a very personal process. A change in image but also I hope a sense of freedom. Most importantly it will allow me to leave my 'defective breasts' behind and move on.
My breasts: Through the process of 20 years of mammograms (boy could I tell you some stories), ultrasounds, needle biopsies and doctors' visual examination of my breasts I've been told that they are 'immature', 'dense', 'unremarkable' and since my lumpectomy in January the right one has been stated as 'slightly deformed'. I have this all in writing on my doctors' reports as a reminder now and then. I don't take it to heart; certainly my self image is not based on my breasts, but my breasts have taken not only the physical assault of surgery and years of trying to stuff them into uncomfortable bra-like structures, but also this verbal abuse. I have to feel for them - pretty rough stuff to take. They've gone through a lot and it's time to end it all. I'm pretty happy for them - they are retiring and I think it best if they do that together rather than one at a time. They will be retiring abreast or to stretch a point 'bi-breast'. I will miss them am o.k. to move on.
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Stuck in the Middle
Stuck in the Middle with You - Jeff Healey Band
I'm trying to get to my last chemo treatment but the battle is to get my white blood cell counts elevated to levels that allow treatment to proceed. Levels too low put me at risk of picking up all forms of infections, colds, viruses but also the chemo drugs knock down your levels even further so you need to go into it with a bit of a fighting chance.
Following this most recent chemo my post chemo care was to receive daily shots of neupogen for 7 days. The shots are to be given subcutaneously (beneath the skin) or more commonly known as 'into the fat'. Best spot to find that fat (in particular on me) is in the stomach. So, every day I go down to the clinic for a shot in the stomach. No real pain other than having to remember to do this each day. Sounds easy but twice I've napped through the hours of the clinic and had to scramble to find another open clinic. I also have to bring the drugs to the clinic, keeping them cold at all times and not shaking them. So I couldn't name this blog post 'drugs in my pocket II' unless I include an ice pack and cautiously glide my way to the clinic. Gliding is not in my nature.
When they give the shot they try to avoid any veins but if they happen to hit one you are rewarded with a big red blotchy bruise. Seeing that each day when I dress is a good reminder that 'oh yeah, I have to go get another shot today'.
With low white counts, hanging around a walk-in medical clinics triggers immediate anxieties of picking up the many possible viral ailments accompanying all them other waiting patients. It's like a little trigger set off when I walk in the door - immediate defensive mode. In case anyone is in the market for a good viral fix, I suggest going to a clinic on a Sunday and hang out in the kiddie section. Fortunately the medical community is very sensitive to the risk and they, without asking, fast track neupogen patients to the front of the queue. Phew....I can get out of there before the anxiety really kicks in and I feel the need to resort to wearing a mask, obsessive handwashing and wiping the waiting room chairs with antibacterial spray. Don't get me started on what gets it feels like to get on a crowded bus-too many potential pathogens, Yes for $2.75 I can temporarily be knocked down a few levels on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I'm trying to get to my last chemo treatment but the battle is to get my white blood cell counts elevated to levels that allow treatment to proceed. Levels too low put me at risk of picking up all forms of infections, colds, viruses but also the chemo drugs knock down your levels even further so you need to go into it with a bit of a fighting chance.
Following this most recent chemo my post chemo care was to receive daily shots of neupogen for 7 days. The shots are to be given subcutaneously (beneath the skin) or more commonly known as 'into the fat'. Best spot to find that fat (in particular on me) is in the stomach. So, every day I go down to the clinic for a shot in the stomach. No real pain other than having to remember to do this each day. Sounds easy but twice I've napped through the hours of the clinic and had to scramble to find another open clinic. I also have to bring the drugs to the clinic, keeping them cold at all times and not shaking them. So I couldn't name this blog post 'drugs in my pocket II' unless I include an ice pack and cautiously glide my way to the clinic. Gliding is not in my nature.
When they give the shot they try to avoid any veins but if they happen to hit one you are rewarded with a big red blotchy bruise. Seeing that each day when I dress is a good reminder that 'oh yeah, I have to go get another shot today'.
With low white counts, hanging around a walk-in medical clinics triggers immediate anxieties of picking up the many possible viral ailments accompanying all them other waiting patients. It's like a little trigger set off when I walk in the door - immediate defensive mode. In case anyone is in the market for a good viral fix, I suggest going to a clinic on a Sunday and hang out in the kiddie section. Fortunately the medical community is very sensitive to the risk and they, without asking, fast track neupogen patients to the front of the queue. Phew....I can get out of there before the anxiety really kicks in and I feel the need to resort to wearing a mask, obsessive handwashing and wiping the waiting room chairs with antibacterial spray. Don't get me started on what gets it feels like to get on a crowded bus-too many potential pathogens, Yes for $2.75 I can temporarily be knocked down a few levels on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
The Waiting is the Hardest Part - old post
The Waiting - Tom Petty
- Sorry....repeat...I was just correcting this one and it popped to the front of the line.
There is a bit of a song lyric theme there starting here. This one courtesy of Tom Petty.
One of the things that is holding up my treatment is a CT scan. Found out that it's not scheduled until late February so that means, no treatment until March. Yup - 4 months since I got serious with my GP about the lump. Urrrrggghhhh! I want to take control of this but my lack of a medical degree kind of limits how much I can really do. I'm in pretend doctor mode. Found myself stepping out of my range of expertise this morning when I was reading BCCA chemotherapy procedure protocols for physicians. No, not the patient guides but the physician guidelines. Yup, I was way out of my league there. Time to step back. Learned a lot but I am not sure it is even relevant to me.
Now that I am feeling almost healed from the surgery and post surgery infection I am ready to get into the hard core treatment. Still weeks until that comes about though. Seems unbelievable but I appreciate that there is an order to all of this.
So I am going to dedicate my energy to fitness and healthier eating.
Fitness - I need to restore what I lost while going through the surgery recovery and establishing a routine that will carry me through the next months. Starting with a long walk on the seawall tomorrow.
Healthier eating - Going to follow the wonderful recipes in my Cancer Fighting Kitchen recipe book - Thank you Nancy. The kids are on a health routine as well just naturally - more trips to the gym, running and walking. I even bought chia seeds the other day. I figured that if I fail my healthy eating goals I can always slather them on some old clay pots and sell them as chia pets.
This whole thing must be contagious because I found the dog gnawing on the kale I was storing out on the deck. He was pretty happy when I gave him all the rough stems I cut off - too tough for my smoothies. New age dog eating home cooked food and raw kale. Only in BC!
- Sorry....repeat...I was just correcting this one and it popped to the front of the line.
There is a bit of a song lyric theme there starting here. This one courtesy of Tom Petty.
One of the things that is holding up my treatment is a CT scan. Found out that it's not scheduled until late February so that means, no treatment until March. Yup - 4 months since I got serious with my GP about the lump. Urrrrggghhhh! I want to take control of this but my lack of a medical degree kind of limits how much I can really do. I'm in pretend doctor mode. Found myself stepping out of my range of expertise this morning when I was reading BCCA chemotherapy procedure protocols for physicians. No, not the patient guides but the physician guidelines. Yup, I was way out of my league there. Time to step back. Learned a lot but I am not sure it is even relevant to me.
Now that I am feeling almost healed from the surgery and post surgery infection I am ready to get into the hard core treatment. Still weeks until that comes about though. Seems unbelievable but I appreciate that there is an order to all of this.
So I am going to dedicate my energy to fitness and healthier eating.
Fitness - I need to restore what I lost while going through the surgery recovery and establishing a routine that will carry me through the next months. Starting with a long walk on the seawall tomorrow.
Healthier eating - Going to follow the wonderful recipes in my Cancer Fighting Kitchen recipe book - Thank you Nancy. The kids are on a health routine as well just naturally - more trips to the gym, running and walking. I even bought chia seeds the other day. I figured that if I fail my healthy eating goals I can always slather them on some old clay pots and sell them as chia pets.
This whole thing must be contagious because I found the dog gnawing on the kale I was storing out on the deck. He was pretty happy when I gave him all the rough stems I cut off - too tough for my smoothies. New age dog eating home cooked food and raw kale. Only in BC!
Sunday, 13 July 2014
Olé Olé, Olé Olé
Feeling Hot Hot Hot - Buster Poindexter
It's hard not to be drawn into the world of soccer these days with the Men's World Cup tournament. Everyone in the world becomes a soccer fan and expert over the length of the tournament. Suddenly people are watching soccer on tv; many of whom would never think of it between tournaments.
Over the years, soccer has provided me many things. It has provided me with emotional release during stressful times, enabled me to remain relatively fit, and provided me with connections to a wonderful group of soccer people - mostly women. It has re-enforced my appreciation for the power of community.
Soccer gave me strength and endurance when I needed it most during treatment. Due to the fitness level attained prior to chemo, I was able to get out to hike and walk through the full treatment schedule, in fact, due to soccer, I was reminded that I needed to get out to feel normal. My body was used to moving and it was too much a change through treatment to just stop moving. I had to slow down gradually.
Soccer taught me to play through even when conditions were not favourable. Anyone who has played soccer in Vancouver knows that the usual soccer season runs through the winter, not the summer. Games continue through rain, wind and hail. Only an iced or snow covered field will stop the play and there's not a lot of snow here. Treatment continues even when you aren't feeling great, the timing is perfect, or there's something else going on in your life. You have to settle for not feeling great a lot of the time and finding the new normal.
Soccer is all about playing your best both individually and as part of a team. The Messis of the world don't win or lose tournaments. My treatment is the same. I have to treat myself well, eat well, exercise and ask questions do my best to keep myself strong. I have to work with my extensive team of medical professionals, family, friends, team mates, co-workers and neighbours to help me reach our common goal to keep me healthy.
The World Cup play has shown me what it means to push even farther even when you know that you have played your full game. When you are forced into overtime you keep going even though you have no energy left. As each treatment drains more of my energy, I need to draw a bit deeper day by day to move forward. I move a bit slower; that's ok but a sign that I need that much more energy to move.
It's about learning to take disappointment gracefully. To take the disappointment and look back and celebrate the successes so far. It's hard to do but the second place team or the player who missed the crucial shot does the same. It's about recognizing those little missteps and turning them into positive moments. My goal was to complete me treatment on schedule without any disruptions or delay. I felt like I'd lost when my treatment was delayed just a week. A set back and a failure to achieve my goal but I know that I've fought hard so far and won't let one set back ruin all the prior successes.
I'm on a theme here with these past two posts. I guess I'm still working through the disappointment. The tournament is now over and my next treatment now lined up this week so it's time to move on. I'm getting to the finish line of chemo with more 'wonderful adventures' to follow.
P.S. Anyone who doesn't want to wait until 2018 for more World Cup madness can enjoy the Women's FIFA World Cup in Vancouver in 2015. Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!!!!
It's hard not to be drawn into the world of soccer these days with the Men's World Cup tournament. Everyone in the world becomes a soccer fan and expert over the length of the tournament. Suddenly people are watching soccer on tv; many of whom would never think of it between tournaments.
Over the years, soccer has provided me many things. It has provided me with emotional release during stressful times, enabled me to remain relatively fit, and provided me with connections to a wonderful group of soccer people - mostly women. It has re-enforced my appreciation for the power of community.
Soccer gave me strength and endurance when I needed it most during treatment. Due to the fitness level attained prior to chemo, I was able to get out to hike and walk through the full treatment schedule, in fact, due to soccer, I was reminded that I needed to get out to feel normal. My body was used to moving and it was too much a change through treatment to just stop moving. I had to slow down gradually.
Soccer taught me to play through even when conditions were not favourable. Anyone who has played soccer in Vancouver knows that the usual soccer season runs through the winter, not the summer. Games continue through rain, wind and hail. Only an iced or snow covered field will stop the play and there's not a lot of snow here. Treatment continues even when you aren't feeling great, the timing is perfect, or there's something else going on in your life. You have to settle for not feeling great a lot of the time and finding the new normal.
Soccer is all about playing your best both individually and as part of a team. The Messis of the world don't win or lose tournaments. My treatment is the same. I have to treat myself well, eat well, exercise and ask questions do my best to keep myself strong. I have to work with my extensive team of medical professionals, family, friends, team mates, co-workers and neighbours to help me reach our common goal to keep me healthy.
The World Cup play has shown me what it means to push even farther even when you know that you have played your full game. When you are forced into overtime you keep going even though you have no energy left. As each treatment drains more of my energy, I need to draw a bit deeper day by day to move forward. I move a bit slower; that's ok but a sign that I need that much more energy to move.
It's about learning to take disappointment gracefully. To take the disappointment and look back and celebrate the successes so far. It's hard to do but the second place team or the player who missed the crucial shot does the same. It's about recognizing those little missteps and turning them into positive moments. My goal was to complete me treatment on schedule without any disruptions or delay. I felt like I'd lost when my treatment was delayed just a week. A set back and a failure to achieve my goal but I know that I've fought hard so far and won't let one set back ruin all the prior successes.
I'm on a theme here with these past two posts. I guess I'm still working through the disappointment. The tournament is now over and my next treatment now lined up this week so it's time to move on. I'm getting to the finish line of chemo with more 'wonderful adventures' to follow.
P.S. Anyone who doesn't want to wait until 2018 for more World Cup madness can enjoy the Women's FIFA World Cup in Vancouver in 2015. Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole!!!!
Monday, 7 July 2014
How am I going to be an optimist about this?
Pompeii - Bastille
Dang it!!!! I went in for my treatment today and my white blood counts were too low so treatment was delayed for a week. That blows my goal of completing chemo without missing or rescheduling a treatment. That puts off my 7th and second last treatment for a week or longer depending on when my counts are up and I can be scheduled in.
It's not uncommon to be rescheduled or be delayed so I shouldn't be so bummed about it but it really gets to me. It's like my body isn't playing the game along with me anymore. Just when I thought we had the routine all down pat. I guess I'm not the one in control. So now I take new drugs to boost the white blood cells - a shot a day and wait to be rescheduled.
It's easy to get bummed out so I'll try to take the positive approach to this. Let's see.....
Dang it!!!! I went in for my treatment today and my white blood counts were too low so treatment was delayed for a week. That blows my goal of completing chemo without missing or rescheduling a treatment. That puts off my 7th and second last treatment for a week or longer depending on when my counts are up and I can be scheduled in.
It's not uncommon to be rescheduled or be delayed so I shouldn't be so bummed about it but it really gets to me. It's like my body isn't playing the game along with me anymore. Just when I thought we had the routine all down pat. I guess I'm not the one in control. So now I take new drugs to boost the white blood cells - a shot a day and wait to be rescheduled.
It's easy to get bummed out so I'll try to take the positive approach to this. Let's see.....
- the weather is nice
- I don't have to worry about the side effects of the chemo drugs for another week
- although I can't have treatment, I am not feeling too bad
- other than the usual side effects, I haven't had any other complications
- I have time to spend with family and friends when I am not suffering from pain or illness from the chemo
- I have time to catch up on my reading and idiotic television shows
- it shakes things up a bit - change - and I like change
- one week delay in a 24 week procedure is minor - 1 week is 4% of the time so extending for another week isn't really a big deal
- there's still two FIFA games to watch
So really. What's the big deal? Just another bump in the road. Still on track, still headed in the right direction.
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