I can't complain but sometimes I still do

Life's Been Good  - Joe Walsh

Life's been good to me so far....

Get ready, this may come across as a bit of a whiny bitch session.   I figure I'm due but my upbringing has perfected me in apologizing even if it's not warranted so first I must say '' I'm sorry for my selfish whiny bitching.''    There, I feel better already.

I'm now 9 months into treatment - 9 months since my first lumpectomy.   Since then, 8 rounds of chemo over 30 weeks, double mastectomy, introduction of hormone therapy and 14 rounds of radiation therapy.    I am tired, mutilated, maimed, mostly bald, tired, burned, scarred and more tired.   Nothing unusual for what I've been through.   I'm tired physically but tired of an increasing number of doctors appointments, treatments for side effects of treatments, and living on a schedule dictated by treatments and appointments.

I feel like I've lost control of my life.    I want to work on increasing strength and stamina but don't have the energy or stamina to do so.   Each day I get hit a bit harder with fatigue.    Reading fills the gaps between appointments and travel to and from appointments followed by long naps mid afternoon or evening.

My body is lacking in energy.  I have tried to punch my brain back into gear by starting a Spanish language course.   It feels like it is the hardest language course I've ever taken.   The information just doesn't stick.   It's like my find is made of a dense rubber and the information just bounces off it rather than being absorbed.   It should be easier based on the nature of the language and my knowledge of French.   Geez, I even retain some of my German from university years but the Spanish - nada.   I'll keep working on it but the chemo effects still appear to retain control.

I see my family and friends going on with their lives...basically just living and I feel trapped in the 'in between' not able to move forward other than in my treatment schedule.    I'm frustrated when I see my kids not taking advantage of the opportunities they have, their potential but they are in that teenage brain world so it's to be expected.  I'm encouraged by my doctors that I'm winning the cancer battle but it's hard; it takes it's toll.   I'm tired of being strong and keeping up the fight.   Right now I'd just like to go for a long nap, wake up and it's over.  Energy restored, life back to normal.

So this is my bitch...I want to be done with this.  I've done my duty, put in my time, given parts of my body to this whole journey,  taken on my scars.   I'm ready to move to the after treatment, full recovery, energy building phase.   Please release me, let me go!!!    Ooooo - that would have been a good blog title!

Thanks for listening to my little rant.   I'm now feeling much better.   Back to the positive now...and continued healing.