Tired of Waking Up Tired - The Diodes
My kids have gotten used to this little song of mine - well, of The Diodes. I mindlessly chant it day and night in various tones and whines. Well, I think I chant it - at least I know that it is constantly playing in my head. Good thing the song has a fast tempo so just thinking about it gives me a bit of a jolt of energy.
So, how tired am I? Did I always feel like this but never recognized it?
I've tried to judge my sense of fatigue by doing check-ins now and then throughout the day. So my day would start with waking up at a decent hour - 7 or 8 am after a 8 or 9 hour sleep. Pretty good start to the day, right? So I wouldn't shock my body into energy flow, I'd listen to the local and national news so I know what happened while I snoozed. From there, the usual bathroom routine, dressing based on any planned activities for the day. Downstairs to eat breakfast - a necessity now since the hormone therapy puts me into an immediate state of severe nausea if taken on an empty stomach. I'm told that this will fade but not yet willing to test the waters. Then feed the dog to ward off any whining. Ok. First check-in and my body says that it's ready for a short nap. Really?
So I fight that one off and instead get a few e-mails done, check the banking situation and pay off a few bills. Maybe some fresh air will change my energy level. So, drag the dog out the door rain or shine for a walk and perhaps a few errands nearby. Home again and now I'm definitely ready to plop my butt on the couch.
I can push through all the fatigue and carry through for a few hours straight in the day but a few hours in, I'm dreaming of the couch, my bed, a comfy chair to doze off in. So my new routine is to save up my energy for what is to come about for the day. Stockpiling enough juice to get me through without my body or mind fading out midstream.
I recognize that all this is due to the cumulative hits that my body, mind and spirit have gone through over the past year. It's all catching up with me. It's kind of like all those cookies that you eat one by one through the year, thinking "one cookie can't hurt' and then you look down and see the extra tire above your waist band and know that they cumulatively amount to enough to feed an elementary school.
The next month I give to myself as my recovery month. My doctor and treatment appointment load is less onerous. I will take the time between naps to start to recover my body and strength.
But for now, the couch is calling me.
Sunday, 26 October 2014
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
500 Miles - The Proclaimers
On October 5, 2014 I walked (not ran) the CIBC Run for the Cure, accompanied by my daughter (above) and my brother. One of my sisters also ran the event overseas - twice I believe. Family and friends supported me and my kids in our fundraising efforts. Thank you to all those who supported me, supported others and walked, ran or made the event happen.
I was never one to be drawn into the marketing side of these events. While I have always supported fund raising programs and participated these as well as awareness campaigns I was always skeptical about the events as a whole. They seemed more of a glossy advertisement to beef up the presence of the event sponsors with less focus on the actual cause. It seemed to me that when the big sponsors got behind the events, the meaning was lost and it became more of flashy spectacle. More about the gifts and giveaways then the cause. And really...where did all that money raised go? Ok, I'm now old enough to freely admit that I am frequently wrong - and this is one of those times.
The Run for the Cure (which in my case became the Walk for the Cure) is much more. It is about fundraising, awareness and education, honoring those who have battled and lost as well as those who have battled and won and their supporters. It builds community, allows those who believe in the cause to work to eradicate breast cancer to celebrate their achievements.
Going through treatment I can see how the money for research has helped to change treatment so that it is not only more successful but more manageable for patients. Even in the past months I've seen the treatment patterns change as the research is ongoing. There have been great strides in the research, fundraising and awareness and best of all survivor rates for breast cancer in particular. Why breast cancer, well my theory is that it's due to the fact that breast cancer primarily effects women and women are great at organizing to make things happen. Just think of school fundraising programs...primarily women on those organizing committees - yes? Yeah for women! Sorry guys!
We may not be able to support every cause (cancer, mental health, poverty, equality, foreign aid- the list is endless) that comes along but at least I know have a renewed faith in the benefits of fundraising programs of all sizes. We can all do our part either through financial or moral support of those participating, It's as just putting one foot in front of the other.
Now I'm a Believer Yeahh!!!! ( Then I Saw Her Face -The Monkees) And, I'm ready for next year's Run.
On October 5, 2014 I walked (not ran) the CIBC Run for the Cure, accompanied by my daughter (above) and my brother. One of my sisters also ran the event overseas - twice I believe. Family and friends supported me and my kids in our fundraising efforts. Thank you to all those who supported me, supported others and walked, ran or made the event happen.
I was never one to be drawn into the marketing side of these events. While I have always supported fund raising programs and participated these as well as awareness campaigns I was always skeptical about the events as a whole. They seemed more of a glossy advertisement to beef up the presence of the event sponsors with less focus on the actual cause. It seemed to me that when the big sponsors got behind the events, the meaning was lost and it became more of flashy spectacle. More about the gifts and giveaways then the cause. And really...where did all that money raised go? Ok, I'm now old enough to freely admit that I am frequently wrong - and this is one of those times.
The Run for the Cure (which in my case became the Walk for the Cure) is much more. It is about fundraising, awareness and education, honoring those who have battled and lost as well as those who have battled and won and their supporters. It builds community, allows those who believe in the cause to work to eradicate breast cancer to celebrate their achievements.
Going through treatment I can see how the money for research has helped to change treatment so that it is not only more successful but more manageable for patients. Even in the past months I've seen the treatment patterns change as the research is ongoing. There have been great strides in the research, fundraising and awareness and best of all survivor rates for breast cancer in particular. Why breast cancer, well my theory is that it's due to the fact that breast cancer primarily effects women and women are great at organizing to make things happen. Just think of school fundraising programs...primarily women on those organizing committees - yes? Yeah for women! Sorry guys!
We may not be able to support every cause (cancer, mental health, poverty, equality, foreign aid- the list is endless) that comes along but at least I know have a renewed faith in the benefits of fundraising programs of all sizes. We can all do our part either through financial or moral support of those participating, It's as just putting one foot in front of the other.
Now I'm a Believer Yeahh!!!! ( Then I Saw Her Face -The Monkees) And, I'm ready for next year's Run.
Thursday, 16 October 2014
I can't complain but sometimes I still do
Life's Been Good - Joe Walsh
Life's been good to me so far....
Get ready, this may come across as a bit of a whiny bitch session. I figure I'm due but my upbringing has perfected me in apologizing even if it's not warranted so first I must say '' I'm sorry for my selfish whiny bitching.'' There, I feel better already.
I'm now 9 months into treatment - 9 months since my first lumpectomy. Since then, 8 rounds of chemo over 30 weeks, double mastectomy, introduction of hormone therapy and 14 rounds of radiation therapy. I am tired, mutilated, maimed, mostly bald, tired, burned, scarred and more tired. Nothing unusual for what I've been through. I'm tired physically but tired of an increasing number of doctors appointments, treatments for side effects of treatments, and living on a schedule dictated by treatments and appointments.
I feel like I've lost control of my life. I want to work on increasing strength and stamina but don't have the energy or stamina to do so. Each day I get hit a bit harder with fatigue. Reading fills the gaps between appointments and travel to and from appointments followed by long naps mid afternoon or evening.
My body is lacking in energy. I have tried to punch my brain back into gear by starting a Spanish language course. It feels like it is the hardest language course I've ever taken. The information just doesn't stick. It's like my find is made of a dense rubber and the information just bounces off it rather than being absorbed. It should be easier based on the nature of the language and my knowledge of French. Geez, I even retain some of my German from university years but the Spanish - nada. I'll keep working on it but the chemo effects still appear to retain control.
I see my family and friends going on with their lives...basically just living and I feel trapped in the 'in between' not able to move forward other than in my treatment schedule. I'm frustrated when I see my kids not taking advantage of the opportunities they have, their potential but they are in that teenage brain world so it's to be expected. I'm encouraged by my doctors that I'm winning the cancer battle but it's hard; it takes it's toll. I'm tired of being strong and keeping up the fight. Right now I'd just like to go for a long nap, wake up and it's over. Energy restored, life back to normal.
So this is my bitch...I want to be done with this. I've done my duty, put in my time, given parts of my body to this whole journey, taken on my scars. I'm ready to move to the after treatment, full recovery, energy building phase. Please release me, let me go!!! Ooooo - that would have been a good blog title!
Thanks for listening to my little rant. I'm now feeling much better. Back to the positive now...and continued healing.
Life's been good to me so far....
Get ready, this may come across as a bit of a whiny bitch session. I figure I'm due but my upbringing has perfected me in apologizing even if it's not warranted so first I must say '' I'm sorry for my selfish whiny bitching.'' There, I feel better already.
I'm now 9 months into treatment - 9 months since my first lumpectomy. Since then, 8 rounds of chemo over 30 weeks, double mastectomy, introduction of hormone therapy and 14 rounds of radiation therapy. I am tired, mutilated, maimed, mostly bald, tired, burned, scarred and more tired. Nothing unusual for what I've been through. I'm tired physically but tired of an increasing number of doctors appointments, treatments for side effects of treatments, and living on a schedule dictated by treatments and appointments.
I feel like I've lost control of my life. I want to work on increasing strength and stamina but don't have the energy or stamina to do so. Each day I get hit a bit harder with fatigue. Reading fills the gaps between appointments and travel to and from appointments followed by long naps mid afternoon or evening.
My body is lacking in energy. I have tried to punch my brain back into gear by starting a Spanish language course. It feels like it is the hardest language course I've ever taken. The information just doesn't stick. It's like my find is made of a dense rubber and the information just bounces off it rather than being absorbed. It should be easier based on the nature of the language and my knowledge of French. Geez, I even retain some of my German from university years but the Spanish - nada. I'll keep working on it but the chemo effects still appear to retain control.
I see my family and friends going on with their lives...basically just living and I feel trapped in the 'in between' not able to move forward other than in my treatment schedule. I'm frustrated when I see my kids not taking advantage of the opportunities they have, their potential but they are in that teenage brain world so it's to be expected. I'm encouraged by my doctors that I'm winning the cancer battle but it's hard; it takes it's toll. I'm tired of being strong and keeping up the fight. Right now I'd just like to go for a long nap, wake up and it's over. Energy restored, life back to normal.
So this is my bitch...I want to be done with this. I've done my duty, put in my time, given parts of my body to this whole journey, taken on my scars. I'm ready to move to the after treatment, full recovery, energy building phase. Please release me, let me go!!! Ooooo - that would have been a good blog title!
Thanks for listening to my little rant. I'm now feeling much better. Back to the positive now...and continued healing.
Thursday, 9 October 2014
Stop hey what's that sound
For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield
Week one of radiation is done. So, what's radiation like? I arrive a few minutes before my appointment each day and drop off my appointment card to let them know that I have arrived. From there, I change into a gown that has been numbered and assigned to me. I will wear the same gown for each treatment. Nothing special about the gowns, just saves on the washing of gowns each day....all good for the environment. Once they are ready for me, I go to the treatment room and lie down on the bed and put my arms up above my head. The key is to lie down in the same position each day. They have lasers that measure my position and then adjust me as needed on the bed. This involves them calling out numbers and checking with monitors. It moves pretty quickly but within that they are also very cheery and love chatting about what's happening.
Once I'm positioned and taped - yes taped - to the table, they walk through the door. As I can't move my head to see them go, there's a 'ding dong' that let's me know when I'm on my own. That's when the fun starts. The machines that zap me with x-rays move around me in a pre-programmed pattern. My job is not to move while this happens. They operate the x-ray machine remotely and it burrs and grinds all around me. When the x-ray is active there's a continuous loud beep. This goes on for 6 'zaps'. The x-ray part takes less than 5 minutes.
It's somewhat unnerving at first when you are left in the room alone with all the big machines hovering over you. In that 5 minute period when I'm alone with the machines, ding dongs and beeps I try not to think about the fact that no one else wants to be in there with me; that the treatment is somewhat toxic; something that others want to avoid. So why am I subjecting myself to this again? What is so scary about being in the room with me? Right, this is part of my treatment to reduce the risk of recurrence of my cancer. 'Ding dong' and they are back and I'm free to go. Thank God it doesn't take any longer - who knows to where my thoughts would wander.
Week one of radiation is done. So, what's radiation like? I arrive a few minutes before my appointment each day and drop off my appointment card to let them know that I have arrived. From there, I change into a gown that has been numbered and assigned to me. I will wear the same gown for each treatment. Nothing special about the gowns, just saves on the washing of gowns each day....all good for the environment. Once they are ready for me, I go to the treatment room and lie down on the bed and put my arms up above my head. The key is to lie down in the same position each day. They have lasers that measure my position and then adjust me as needed on the bed. This involves them calling out numbers and checking with monitors. It moves pretty quickly but within that they are also very cheery and love chatting about what's happening.
Once I'm positioned and taped - yes taped - to the table, they walk through the door. As I can't move my head to see them go, there's a 'ding dong' that let's me know when I'm on my own. That's when the fun starts. The machines that zap me with x-rays move around me in a pre-programmed pattern. My job is not to move while this happens. They operate the x-ray machine remotely and it burrs and grinds all around me. When the x-ray is active there's a continuous loud beep. This goes on for 6 'zaps'. The x-ray part takes less than 5 minutes.
It's somewhat unnerving at first when you are left in the room alone with all the big machines hovering over you. In that 5 minute period when I'm alone with the machines, ding dongs and beeps I try not to think about the fact that no one else wants to be in there with me; that the treatment is somewhat toxic; something that others want to avoid. So why am I subjecting myself to this again? What is so scary about being in the room with me? Right, this is part of my treatment to reduce the risk of recurrence of my cancer. 'Ding dong' and they are back and I'm free to go. Thank God it doesn't take any longer - who knows to where my thoughts would wander.
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Get up every morning from your alarm clock's warning
Takin' Care of Business - Bachman Turner Overdrive
Get up every morning from your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
This week was the start of my radiation. It's daily treatment for 16 days (weekends excluded). I had a choice of morning, afternoon or evening appointments and chose morning. It has been a very long time since I have had something scheduled every day so this is somewhat of an adjustment.
The treatments are downtown which means I need to coordinate with transit schedules and traffic patterns. It's really a very smooth journey by transit but still, I can't do that from the comfort of my bed. The time of the appointment is different each day and I only get the schedule for the following week on the Friday before. This means that I often have to readjust all the other appointments that might conflict. It's a bit of a juggling act but I seem to have it under control. It's somewhat like trying to keep a work schedule going when you have to book meetings with a number of parties. It's always up to revision.
The treatment itself takes 15 minutes maximum and they run like clockwork. First I confirm my arrival, then change into a gown - same gown every day which is numbered. From there I wait to be called. Pop on the table where they position me and then treatment begins.
In the preparatory meeting for treatment, they show a video so you know what to expect. They also do preliminary measurements so they know how to position you each visit. They also apply a number of little tattoos to use as markers. And yes, these are permanent tattoos. So I now have 3 permanent tattoos - more than my teenage daughter!!!
My tattoos are small - like a small freckle but there's something about them that I love. I am drawn to them for some reason. I guess they are a reminder - small reminder of this type of treatment.and something that it uniquely mine. I'm feeling very sentimental about them. Either that or it's the effects of the hormone treatment I also started a week ago. If I get all weepy about them then I'll know for sure. There are many possible blog titles for that one but please don't hold your breath. I'm hoping to keep things on the level without the potential mood swings and hot flashes.
Get up every morning from your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
This week was the start of my radiation. It's daily treatment for 16 days (weekends excluded). I had a choice of morning, afternoon or evening appointments and chose morning. It has been a very long time since I have had something scheduled every day so this is somewhat of an adjustment.
The treatments are downtown which means I need to coordinate with transit schedules and traffic patterns. It's really a very smooth journey by transit but still, I can't do that from the comfort of my bed. The time of the appointment is different each day and I only get the schedule for the following week on the Friday before. This means that I often have to readjust all the other appointments that might conflict. It's a bit of a juggling act but I seem to have it under control. It's somewhat like trying to keep a work schedule going when you have to book meetings with a number of parties. It's always up to revision.
The treatment itself takes 15 minutes maximum and they run like clockwork. First I confirm my arrival, then change into a gown - same gown every day which is numbered. From there I wait to be called. Pop on the table where they position me and then treatment begins.
In the preparatory meeting for treatment, they show a video so you know what to expect. They also do preliminary measurements so they know how to position you each visit. They also apply a number of little tattoos to use as markers. And yes, these are permanent tattoos. So I now have 3 permanent tattoos - more than my teenage daughter!!!
My tattoos are small - like a small freckle but there's something about them that I love. I am drawn to them for some reason. I guess they are a reminder - small reminder of this type of treatment.and something that it uniquely mine. I'm feeling very sentimental about them. Either that or it's the effects of the hormone treatment I also started a week ago. If I get all weepy about them then I'll know for sure. There are many possible blog titles for that one but please don't hold your breath. I'm hoping to keep things on the level without the potential mood swings and hot flashes.
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