Treatment # 2 - (she) leaves me in a cool, cool sweat

Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen

Treatment two is complete which means I can start to get a sense of how things should flow going forward.   Work overlap - still trying to look for trend lines.

You are encouraged to drink lots of water after treatment to help flush the drugs through your system.   Drinking lots of water means lots of running to the bathroom.    Lots of running to the bathroom means interrupted sleep at night which adds to being tired from the drugs themselves.   It's hard to find the balance.   I find myself waking up repeatedly in the night in a cold, cold sweat.  Go to the bathroom; back to bed; then feel hot and sweaty; drink more water and that resolves; back to sleep; repeat.    Typically 5-6 times a night.   Yes, it could be age but seems to be linked to treatment and eases off over the weeks following.

Food aversions.   If I listen carefully, my mind and body tells me immediately what is an ok thing to eat or not.   Hours before treatment I could have easily stuffed my face with Cadbury Mini-Eggs (horribly bad for you chocolate eggs covered in coloured, candied coating),   Once the drugs hit my system - no interest in them at all.   Same with last treatment - chocolate or sweats are out.   (Happily I got a bit of a reprieve a couple weeks later).    But it is pretty limited which means I haven't had to adjust my eating patterns too much.  

Next are the weird, no - bizarre dreams and thought patterns.   For example, I've been in a high school musical where Morgan Freeman died on stage (let's pray that neither of those ever happen); had numerous conversations with my kids that they swear never occurred; attended a hill-billy family reunion of sorts where I was adopted by the family and asked to organize a parade.   That was last night....can hardly wait for what`s on the billboard tonight.

I'm told tiredness will build with each treatment and I do notice less energy already with this one.   That can be managed with balancing activities with energy levels as the energy slowly returns over the following weeks leading up to the next treatment.   It's frustrating.   The night before treatment I acknowledged that I was probably at the highest energy level that I would find myself over the next 5-6 months.   It`s kind of weird thinking of it that way when you are used to thinking the opposite and trying to plan a regime to improve energy or fitness level over a similar period.   I noticeably feel the `it`s time to crash` throughout the day.  Just following the signs.

Good news is that the dreaded nausea is still under control and managed by the medication they recommend in the first three days.  After that Tums, Tums, Tums, Tums (think of the commercial) works well to get me through.

I`m feeling pretty good and very fortunate that so far things have been manageable.  Still only the start.  I`m not ignoring the fact that new things will come up along the way with the next treatments and change in medications with the second 4 rounds.

Breathe, Just Breathe

Breathe - Faith Hill

That's my daily mantra when I don't have the energy I would like to head out for a run, am bored with staying at home and being out of my regular routine, the printer doesn't work, I feel overwhelmed suddenly by the diagnosis and treatment plan I've been handed.    Just a couple of big long breaths get me through those moments.

It helps get me to sleep at night or back to sleep when I wake up in the early morning hours.    It helps me to sit through the long waits in the waiting room at the chemo clinic or yet another doctor's office.     It keeps me balanced.

It's much like Dory's 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming' (Finding Nemo)- just push through and don't focus on the shit right in front of you.   Move beyond it and focused on the destination.

Tomorrow is treatment number 2 of 8.   Going in strong and healthy with my mantra to get me through the rough spots.

Hold your Head Up High

Hold Your Head Up - Steppenwolf

It has only been a week, but I'm really liking the absence of hair on my scalp.   I wouldn't call it 'being bald' only because there's still a bit of fuzz and also because it's temporary.  Well, at least I am told that it is.

It's another adventure/experience in this journey and in some ways a fun one.   I can now say that I know what it feels like to be be bald - at least for a short period.   Only a chosen few can put that on their resume!

The benefits:  I don't wake up and wonder how my hair will look today, whether it needs a good cut.   Speaking of cuts, yes, I'll save on hair cuts for this year.   I don't have to worry about hat head or bed head.    A ride in a convertible - if i had one - won't mess my hair.  Those of you with convertibles, feel free to invite me for a ride!

Another new adventure is hats.   I hate hats - ok, change that - I once hated hats but now they are another discovery.    I need them now - not just to mask no hair but also to keep my head warm.   It's amazing how much heat is lost to having no hair.   I've started a bit of a collection to suit my needs and feeling for the day.  I've never noticed how many people where hats - well, toques.  It really is a Canadian thing.   All ages sporting them right now - so if it was a concern of mine - I'm very much in fashion.

Next on to scarves which serve double duty as both neck and head covering.  I'm relearning knot tying and braiding in the process.  

And months from now, when treatment is over it will be like opening a new present to find out whether my hair comes back the same as before, new colour or texture.

All of this just points of interest along the journey.

This is the day your life will surely change.

This is the Day - The The

Tomorrow I will wake up a cancer patient.   Yes, I have been a cancer patient for the past few months but tomorrow it will hit will really hit home for me.   Tomorrow I will start to look more like a cancer patient.    Others may start to identify me as one.

My hair is starting to fall out - in handfuls.   Just as they predicted.  Two weeks following my first treatment.    If I wanted to help things along I could likely comb all my hair out.   A big part of me wants to do just that.  It was like a flick of a switch today and all the hair roots let go.   I hate that for a number of reasons:

1. They predicted it and it's happening right on schedule.   I liked to think I was different and that my body would have been able to delay this side effect or perhaps prove them wrong.    Damn them for getting it right. 
2. I love my hair.  I don't have the long willowy locks, but I treat it well; no chemicals; and love the colour and healthy texture of it.  My hair deserves better.
3. The cancer diagnosis is now much more of a reality.    It's there every time I look in the mirror, see my reflection in a window.   It's there when my kids see me and bring their friends over. 

Until now, I blended in.   I didn't look much different than before.  Still out walking - although less than before, still in doing a bit of grocery shopping; dressed each day,  popping in and out of the hospital, I might be taken as a visitor, not a patient.

I'm not feeling depressed or sad about this - just recognizing that I'm entering a new stage, a new reality.  My life as I see it will change.  As others see me will change.   Like putting on a new skin.  Same me - just a different version.  One day older, one day more experienced, one day changed.  

I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

I Feel Pretty - Bernstein and Sondheim

This evening I attended the Look Good, Feel Better Program provided through the Canadian Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Association (CCTFA).   The program is provided to help women who are faced faced with cancer to manage the effects that treatment can have on their appearance and self esteem.  

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't wear makeup regularly.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I rarely wear makeup.   So this was something not in my league.

It was a small class of women with three very supportive and helpful volunteers from CCTFA.   We were first presented with a large box filled with cosmetics, creams, cleansers, etc. donated by the sponsor companies.   Then they walked us through, step by step how to apply make up - the right way.   Yes, you can teach an old 'dog' new tricks.   I had to wait a few too many decades but I finally went to a class to learn how to apply make up properly.  And, it was fun.  A bit intimidating but it was clear that everyone was testing out something new.    It was also a reminder that we should take the time to be nice to ourselves and our bodies.   Even more so when we are going through stressful situations.

There was also a woman demonstrating wigs and head covers.     Now, out of the 5 in the class, I was one of two of us with our hair still in tact.    The woman beside me was 1 treatment ahead of me and had pretty much lost all her locks.    So, it's coming soon for me.   Typically any hair thinning or loss starts 2-3 weeks following your first treatment.   No signs of it yet with me but I'm just under 2 weeks.

I was asked to model....I sensed she thought that my bad hair day needed some cover.   Well, who'd have thought that I could carry off a blonde wig but it seemed to work.   Not that I think I'll go that route but, hey, nice to have options.   Having the make up on and then the wigs really provided a boost.   The consensus with the class was that I can't pull off a black wig.   Or rather if I put one on, I should immediately pull off the black wig.

So, guess I may be out wig shopping soon.    Rediscover my red or go blonde?   Long, or stick to the short style?   Or will it just be natural scalp with head cover?    I hope I'm ready for this.

I'm Back.....

I'm Back in the Saddle Again   You choose - Aerosmith or Gene Autry - personally, I'm hearing Aerosmith.

Whew!   A week over.  The first week post treatment.    It was a week that could have gone in any direction with potential for extreme side effects.  Happily I managed to make it through with milder ill effects and also better awareness of my own body and it's ability to adjust and give me clear warning signals.  I feel like I'm back in the saddle, sitting tall and back to myself again.   I have my brain back and more importantly, I know that my brain and my energy will come back following each treatment.  Maybe not to the same extent each time but my fear of living in a world of 50% energy, 66% brain power for months on end is likely not a reality.

I shared a beautiful walk today with my friend through the rainforest at the Capilano Salmon Hatchery.   We were showered in the spray off the damn.  Saw an amazing double rainbow created by the spray and sunshine.  A beautiful day and a great way to celebrate this week.

What I learned last week:

• Naps are good; naps are great; naps heal.
• Chocolate is not always the best solution and it's ok not to want chocolate sometimes.  Even when you are standing in a chocolate shop.
• Too much couch is bad.   Gotta change it up now and again.
• While I always thought I had good balance in life, like anything else it is important to keep seeking to improve or refresh that balance.  We need to keep adjusting the scales.
• Listen more.   Even closer to your body, your family, your friends.
• If you've done your job well, it is easier to step back and let others take the lead when you are unable.   It is your reward for the work you've done.
• Build community around you through support of others who in turn are there to support you.
• When you slow things down, you see more and can listen better.   

Not bad for one week.   I might just come out of the journey a bit wiser!!  

Sledgehammer

Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel

This morning it felt exactly like a sledgehammer had hit me.    Complete exhaustion.   Like a very harsh flu but without the nausea and vomiting.       Yes, chemo induced but I hate to say a lot of it was also self induced.

Admittedly, against my better judgement - I pushed it too far.  I felt good yesterday in the morning and headed out for a walk - not my usual walk - I toned it down.  With my sister and a friend I took the seabus and walked a short few blocks to a chocolate-coffee shop - East Van Roasters*** see information below.   I even took the bus up the hill rather than walk.   Sounds pretty tame eh?   Well -  I should have stopped there.

Instead of a nice quiet afternoon nap and mellow evening, I jumped into helping my son complete his year end project.   Not that it was tons of work but I couldn't effectively provide consult from a prone position - which is how I should have been.    Add in - daughter's play costume completion.   Once I got into my old habits of just keep pushing through I couldn't stop.   When we won't do it ourselves eventually our body kicks in to give us the message.    That's when the sledgehammer came it.   Whomp!!    I'm learning but sometimes you have to whack me in the head to get the message across.

Today, I didn't leave the house and basically couch surfed.   Feeling much better now - one more day of couching and I'll be back on track.   Phew!    Ducked a bullet there.


***East Van Roasters (eastvanroasters.com) is an artisan chocolate and coffee bar on Carrall Street just off Gastown in Vancouver.   It is a non-profit designed to provide training and employment to women residents of the Rainer Hotel.  Women trying to get back into workplace.   It is more than that though.  A wonderful experience, with great taste and quality.    Both coffee and chocolate are created right from the bean.      Definitely something both to check out and a great organization to support.

Drugs in my pocket and I don't know what to do with them

Drugs in my Pocket - The Monks

I finished chemo treatment number one without incident.  7 to go (3 of this set of cycles).   I was in the clinic at 9 for quick check in with my oncologist, then the IV's - saline, drug one (deep red) for 20 minutes, drug two for 1 hour.    My sister and middle daughter joined me and we got into a good game of cards and lots of chatter.   The time went by quickly.  Great to have company on my first round.   Most of the patients there coming in an out are on their own - pros it seems.  It's a pleasant space with lots of natural light, friendly nurses, a kitchen, books, DVD players and chatter among the patients.

We walked to and from the clinic, picking up yet more drugs on the way home and doing some banking.   Then off  for a short drive and walk and home.    So feeling pretty good right after but by the end of the evening I was bagged with a mild headache.  Side effects of the stress leading up to the day and the shock to my body.

To manage the potential and likely side effects of the treatment you are prescribed with a list of medications to take just prior and the days immediately following.     I'm sure I'd feel worse without these additional drugs but it is someone of shock to be taking so many pills on a daily basis.   I have to remember that along with the chemo they are given to me to keep me strong and allow me to continue treatment.   Only three days of the add on drugs - 9 a day.   My sister has a schedule mapped out for me and gives me prompts now and again.  By Monday I'll be on my own - drugless - to have my body alone tell me how it's reacting to the chemo.   Keeping my fingers crossed that I will gain the energy zapped by the meds and won't be tied to bathrooms.   Wish me luck!   I'll steal a tiny bit of the chemo power and energy you have all sent me to apply to my digestive system.