The time is gone, the song is over

Time - Pink Floyd

There  comes a time when everything must come to an end; when we must move on to a new phase and take what our experiences and make them part of ourselves and our past.   It is now time for me to bring to an end this blog and this journey.

Going through a health or life experience changes us; adds to our character and history.   It makes us more of what we are.   It does not however, define us.  It only becomes one part of our larger being.    With every life experience there comes a time when that chapter of our life ends or diminishes in focus.  I look back on the many experiences I've gone through and remember that at the time I was going through it, it became my focus and in some way defined me at that time but eventually only added to my story, my resume, my life journey.

When going through a cancer journey you must release control.  No one chooses to have cancer.  It is thrown upon you.   You have to let go of responsibilities to allow your energy to flow to healing and strength.    You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable;  let others take charge and care for you.   You will need others to help you through the fight.  To do that you have accept the journey that you are on and fully immense yourself in the experience.    Let's face it - you can't get on an airplane and pretend you are still at home.   You have to step into the reality and let the pilot, stewards, ground crew and air traffic controller get you to where you are going.  You have to accept any possible annoying habits of all those others in the plane with you.    Putting up a fight or walls just sets the ground for the start of a tougher trip; no support from your fellow passengers and at worst, grounded in another airport.   You have to step on the plane, sit back and find comfort in your seat, positive energy from the people sitting around you and trust that the people in control have valued experience and knowledge to get you there.

The nurses, doctors, friends, family, organizations, volunteers are all there for you.  Your job is to let them in and allow them to give their strength and power to the fight.    Yes, even the chemo drugs are there fighting for you.   They are all part of the team carrying you through.    You have to give each of them permission to take the lead and trust their knowledge and expertise.    Live and love the pain, discomfort and side effects.  You are no longer fully in control.   You have to release your grip on that control and surrender to their love and care.    It's scary at times but also very freeing in particular when you are used to running your own show.

You have to allow those you love to learn from these experiences as well.  You can't protect them from it.   Yes, children, no matter how young, will be affected by this.   We can't fully shield them from it and pretend it didn't happen.    It becomes part of their life experience as well.

The journey itself is life and my cancer experience was only one portion of that - a little side trip.   I will take that experience forward and the lessons learned to the rest of my life journey.     I will continue to go in for check ups, and tests.   I will carry the scars.   I've won my badges.   But the cancer period is over - I'm done with of letting others take control.  I'm ready to once again take my strength and power to help others in their life journey.   I'm ready to take control again.  I am proud of the person I have become and what I've learned through the past 18 months.   I fought cancer but my focus of the time is not on that, rather what I gained in that same time period.     I gained a better understanding of balance and priority, more time with my kids (a gift).  I organized, sorted and purged throughout my house, learned basic Spanish and the art of stained glass, spent hours hiking many of the trails in my city, learned a new sport (dragon boating), wrote a blog, volunteered, mastered the art of spontaneous napping, and spent valuable time with family and new and old friends.  It was a great year and a half.

The tense has changed.   I am no longer going through cancer treatment, rather I went through cancer treatment.  I am no longer experiencing but have experienced.   It feels good  - like coming home.

As I end my journey, I give thanks to so many - too many to name.  To my doctors who became my guides; the nurses who became my hosts; and to you who became my travel companions, my strength, my sturdy walking shoes.   Thank you for sharing the journey with me.

It's time to unpack the bags and put the camera away; put the photos in a scrapbook for a glimpse now and then; start a new journal.  Time goes on.  The next chapter has begun.   I hope you all have enjoyed the journey, learned a bit in the process and had a laugh or two.   Remember, someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny.   (Rosilita - Bruce Springsteen)