Because I'm trapped

Trapped - Jimmy Cliff (but in my mind Bruce Springsteen sings it best)

I find myself in a state of in between - somewhat out of control.   It is very frustrating.

I'm off work to obtain treatment but not under such intensive treatment that I can't function day to day.   I'm sort of a drop in at the chemo clinic.   I don't require any major nursing.  It's like going to the gas station.  They just insert the needle and they 'fill me up'.

My treatments are every three weeks and immediate side effects are minimal so you'd think that would give me 3 weeks less one day to get involved in something or maybe travel a bit.   Well, not really since I have biweekly appointments for bandaging, the odd medical test or doctor appointment and ongoing physio.   So, I don't even have a week that's clear.   Chemo appointments are given to you, they don't work around your schedule.

My mastectomy surgery was 6 months ago yet I continue to visit my surgeon and clinic for treatment related to the side effects of that.  Clinic appointments are twice a week.   So I'm done, but not quite yet done.  I'm half baked.

That means I have to stay around town and find creative ways to spend the time and energy I have.    Volunteering might work.   Well, yes, and no.    Since I can't commit to a specific time period to volunteer and I am still in treatment, my options become limited and I am not the ideal volunteer but I can find some options that work though.

I hear from everyone 'you look great' which makes it feel to me like I'm better - after all I look good.  But is that 'you look good considering that you have gone through a year of treatment' or is it 'you look just like you did before cancer took control of things' - in other words 'you look like you've recovered'?   Which makes me continually question where I fit in that equation - under treatment or recovered.

Since I've always been a big walker, I can lots of time on my feet now wandering the streets and trails so I feel very healthy.   But when I joined the gym to get into a regular routine and work the other muscles in my body I quickly learned that walking only isn't a good measure of fitness and health.   There are lots of body parts that have been ignored this year and it's now their turn for recovery.

I spend a day doing what ongoing daily tasks and am pleased with my energy level.  Wow, I'm much better but then once I sit down, I crash.    It's inertia working - while in movement it's easy to continue but then once you stop, it all catches up with you.

The Ties that Bind (Bruce Sprinsteen) me to the cancer discovery will slowly loosen their grip but in their own time.