Because I'm trapped

Trapped - Jimmy Cliff (but in my mind Bruce Springsteen sings it best)

I find myself in a state of in between - somewhat out of control.   It is very frustrating.

I'm off work to obtain treatment but not under such intensive treatment that I can't function day to day.   I'm sort of a drop in at the chemo clinic.   I don't require any major nursing.  It's like going to the gas station.  They just insert the needle and they 'fill me up'.

My treatments are every three weeks and immediate side effects are minimal so you'd think that would give me 3 weeks less one day to get involved in something or maybe travel a bit.   Well, not really since I have biweekly appointments for bandaging, the odd medical test or doctor appointment and ongoing physio.   So, I don't even have a week that's clear.   Chemo appointments are given to you, they don't work around your schedule.

My mastectomy surgery was 6 months ago yet I continue to visit my surgeon and clinic for treatment related to the side effects of that.  Clinic appointments are twice a week.   So I'm done, but not quite yet done.  I'm half baked.

That means I have to stay around town and find creative ways to spend the time and energy I have.    Volunteering might work.   Well, yes, and no.    Since I can't commit to a specific time period to volunteer and I am still in treatment, my options become limited and I am not the ideal volunteer but I can find some options that work though.

I hear from everyone 'you look great' which makes it feel to me like I'm better - after all I look good.  But is that 'you look good considering that you have gone through a year of treatment' or is it 'you look just like you did before cancer took control of things' - in other words 'you look like you've recovered'?   Which makes me continually question where I fit in that equation - under treatment or recovered.

Since I've always been a big walker, I can lots of time on my feet now wandering the streets and trails so I feel very healthy.   But when I joined the gym to get into a regular routine and work the other muscles in my body I quickly learned that walking only isn't a good measure of fitness and health.   There are lots of body parts that have been ignored this year and it's now their turn for recovery.

I spend a day doing what ongoing daily tasks and am pleased with my energy level.  Wow, I'm much better but then once I sit down, I crash.    It's inertia working - while in movement it's easy to continue but then once you stop, it all catches up with you.

The Ties that Bind (Bruce Sprinsteen) me to the cancer discovery will slowly loosen their grip but in their own time.

We're playing those mind games

Mind Games - John Lennon

We're playing those mind games together
Pushing the barriers planting seeds

Through my treatment I have been focusing on maintaining my physical well being and recovery; making my body stronger to get back to where I was when cancer came into my life.    Getting back to where I was for me is a way to take control and recover the year.     It's easy to test out how that it progressing.   I can easily see physical signs of recovery in my body but also test out my stamina and energy levels.    But it's not all that I am.

Any illness or traumatic experience also requires healing the mind.   How do I recover a year of brain disruption, stress and chemical assaults to my brain?   I've tested out the chemo brain recovery before through a couple courses while I was still in early stage of recovery post intense chemotherapy.     The ability to work through those exercises was a barometer to help me measure where I was in my recovery.   I could see some improvement but little has stuck with me.  I learned more or less what I needed to work on and that I shouldn't push it - recovery would come with time.   Recall and sustained concentration is the big test.  

Filling out forms and navigating government websites is a great way to stretch the brain in those areas.  Try registering for your personal accounts for CPP and CRA (for Canadians).    Looks easy but I guarantee is a good test for everyone and the bonus is that you can find out what the government has planned for you in your retirement years.    I've also started playing chess again with my son,  pushing myself to complete impossible jigsaw puzzles within a given time-frame (don't laugh, these aren't simple puzzles), doing some pre-tax financial planning.   I've been stretching my skills when it comes to word processing and languages.   I'm learning sudoku and started to volunteer with community services centres.   When I need assistance, my helpful crutch is my Blackberry.  It is the extension of my brain and I can rely on it to function with consistency- thank you RIM.  

The kitchen presents a multitude of opportunities to test out multi-tasking,  creativity, memory and planning.   Going back to a recipe 4 times to reconfirm measurements one by one is getting to be a bit onerous.   Every now and then I get a reminder to slow down and ease up on the reigns.  Fortunately no major burns or poisoning issues but the other day I popped my dogs allergy pill in my mouth instead of the piece of cheese that we were going to share.    Don't worry I caught myself and made the swap.   A sign to step back and adjust.

I'm happy to be finding my way out of the fog; but then a foggy day has some benefits.   The need to focus on the present, remain open to the unknown that comes ahead, and keep the ones you love close.   There's a bit of magic listening to those fog horns.

Always look on the bright side of life

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Eric Idle

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
- that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright
side of life...


There are at least two sides to everything, unless you are looking at a triangle or in the middle of a discussion with your kids about 'who started it'.   There is always one side that is is a little brighter than the others.   It makes the whole disaster come out with in a positive light.     There's always a sunny side of the street - even in the dead of winter in Vancouver.  I chose the sunny side, the bright side of life.  Once you get used to it, it becomes natural.   It becomes the natural way to look at things.

So I was given the cancer diagnosis.  For a small part of me I wasn't completely surprised.   I'm not a downer, but a realist.    While it was initially a 'why me?' response, the diagnosis has provided me with some wonderful gifts.  It has been a year of uncovering all those treasures that have been open to me.

These are the best of times: (The Best of Times - Styx) It was a year with a lot of rough periods but also one where I was able to spend great quality one on one time with each of my siblings and my teenage children.   These times are rare as even if are families are close, we rarely take the time to slow down and just visit.   With teenage/20 something kids and a working Mom, there were fewer and fewer opportunities when we could spend quality time together.   We've had one on one going to doctors appointments, short vacations, dinners, couch time and driving practice.

I've gotten to know my kids much better this year and have also been able to see how I need to change my ways to better support them in all the ways a parent should.   I've watched them grow this year rather than look back on the year and wonder where it went.  They are at the age of exploring education and career options; probably somewhat delayed but at least they are somewhat engaged.   I'm thankful that I have been more available to have those discussions with them and test out a few ideas.    I've learned that while teens say that they don't want you to mess around with their lives, they actually do want you there more than you think.

I've had the opportunity to spend with friends and listen to their stories.   Long walks, meals, shopping, long e-mail conversations or visits during treatment.   All have helped to further strengthen the bonds with the people I care about.   Tea - lots of tea.

Loosen my load  (Take it Easy - The Eagles):  Those days when my energy level kept me in the house I was able to get to 'the list'.  You, know, those things that you'll get to later.  Things like cleaning out a file cabinet, a closet, cupboards, computer files; you get it.   So I've whittled the list down considerably and rediscovered space in my house that I thought was gone forever.    The whole house feels that much lighter and so do I.  

Slow down, you move to fast:  (The 59th Street Bridge Song - Simon & Garfunkel)  When we slow down we are better able to assess how we react to things.   Having the opportunity to really assess how I feel about something helps me to make better decisions.   Take for instance gardening.   I thought it was one of my hobbies or interests.   Well, it's really not.     During my treatment and recovery when I had the time and ability to get out among the plants, it was not where I wanted to be.   In fact, it was the last thing on my mind.   When I was in my busy regular life,  gardening was an escape, a total release from the regular stressors of the day.    As time became less compressed need for the release was gone.   So, my garden will just have to fend more for itself with the odd nurturing that the kids and I can give it,  I have great faith that it will do will.   I've learned that weeds and invasive plants have their own beauty and that gardening is no longer one of my hobbies.     So instead of gardening I will be hiking, reading more and writing and perhaps a few naps, because when given the time and choice, I truly like those things.

Alone again :  (Alone Again (naturally) : Gilbert O'Sullivan)  When you are under care, there is lots of time when you are alone with your thoughts with no interruptions.  That's a good thing.   Cancer patients need support but also time to shut down.  To be alone with all the thoughts and feelings.   For example, when you go into the chemo ward, the first thought is that you wouldn't want to see patients there by themselves.   Well, that's true for some of the tough days, but soon you notice 'the pros', the regular attendees more and more going solo.   And it's the best.   Whether treatment takes a couple hours or the whole day, it can be that time when you are with your peers and can just be yourself.   The nurses, doctors and volunteers are wonderful and can easily sense what you might be needing.   For many, it's just silent time to read, sleep, work on the computer, meditate, life plan, or chat with another patient.   The other day a woman beside me asked if she could use the chair longer than her treatment lasted because she was in the middle of working out her home budget as part of her retirement planning.   In her words, it was a nice quiet space where she could concentrate.   It made me want to pull out my bank statements and get at it.   It works well with my introvert side and I'll find a space ongoing when I can recover this important 'me' time.  

It was a very good year : (A Very Good Year - Frank Sinatra /Ervin Drake)    My cancer year was a great year; a year that will have lasting positive effects; a year that will continue to have influence on my life and the lives of those I love.   I look back on it filled with lots of positive energy, sunshine and laughs.