Under Pressure

Under Pressure - Queen with David Bowie


At this time of year, it would be hard to find someone who does not feel that they are under pressure at times, or perhaps, all the time.       There's the pressure of holidays, self imposed consumerism, family gatherings, losses, isolation, limited time, end of the calendar year, school exams, and the weather.   There's always something more to add to the list.  

Although it usually feels like we are not in control of this madness, we have to recognize that other than an immediate influence on the weather, we can release the pressures one by one to find the peace that we desire and deserve.  

I wish you all peace and happiness through this year end and holiday season.    

For a bit of fun I recommend you watch (or re-watch):  

Hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye, hello, hello

Hello Goodbye - The Beatles

When I began the process of diagnosis and treatment, my life was filled with a lot of hellos.   There were new doctors, specialists, nurses, laboratory staff, clinics pharmacists who would all support me through my treatment and healing.   I am now moving to the goodbye stage as I close off relationships with these individuals.    But not completely.

I've started to sign off, let go and, with good fortune, eventually say goodbye to my oncologist.   I only meet with her or her alternative every 6 weeks now instead of the previous visits every 3 weeks.    Over the next 5 months that will wean off to every couple months or so, then semi-annually, etc.     The hope being that at my annual visit and 5 years I'll receive the coveted "all clear" report.   That will be a goodbye that will really feel good.  

At my last appointment with my radiologist at BC Cancer was hopefully a final check in with her.   As she left the room she kindly said "Goodbye.  I hope I never see you again".    In the world of cancer, that's considered a blessing from a specialist.   A sign that they are happy to be closing your file.    In this case, goodbye feels like "Yeeeehaaaa!!!  Successful treatment and excellent prognosis."

However, once again, it seems that when I just feel like I'm completing one healing process, something else comes up.  If you need a refresher please refer to my post on August 26 - One thing leads to another.

The radiation aggravated the healing from my surgery, opening up a wound along my incision.   That means that just when I thought my surgeon's work with me was over and he was about to close the file,  I'm seeing him again very regularly.   Yup, we're now a steady item.  I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to say goodbye to me at all.      

As a result, I will be saying hello again to the wonderful nurses at the ambulatory clinic to have my wound dressed and monitored.    I saw them for 8 weeks - 2 or 3 times per week following surgery.     It's like the wound on my head that was stubborn to heal has now moved down to my chest.   Same size, shape and dimensions.   Kind of weird really.    I'm a bit worried that it will pop up somewhere else once this current wound heals.   It's like a little 'post-it' note that I can move around my body.   I guess eventually IBM's wondrous glue will wear out and the 'post-it' note won't stick any longer.   That will be the sign when I'm really healed.

The surgery also causes some atrophy and tightness of the muscles in particular the shoulder.   So that's a hello to my physiotherapist for weekly exercise instruction and IMS (intramuscular stimulation -deep acupuncture to the tight or locked muscles).  It's not for my needle shy friends but I have a past relationship with IMS and love it!!

At times I feel like am stuck in a revolving door, hello /goodbye and not quiet certain whether I'm in or out.    Am I finished treatment or still going through it?   Has my body made the decision about whether it has healed from the last 12 months of treatment?    Can I expect to sign off with my treatment providers soon.  Time will tell.   In the meantime, I apologize for my ambiguity about where I stand in the stage of my treatment.   Maybe it would be easiest to adopt the Hawaiian approach.  Aloha means both hello and goodbye.    It works for me!

Fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

Fashion - David Bowie

Oh, bop, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion
Oh, bop, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

I have been very fortunate to have supportive benefit programs and people at work that have allowed me to remain off work while I went through the rougher parts of my treatment.    Taking away the stress of work and juggling life around it certainly helped me to manage my recovery and maintain my sanity.  

So, now as I turn my mind to returning to returning to the corporate world; leaving the world of comfort clothes, jeans and yes, at times, sweats, I need to reassess my wardrobe.   Normally I would just move back into the clothes that I wore a few months ago, but I'm not the same person as I was a month ago.   Well, the same person, but not the same body.    Things just don't fit or look the same.

I'm not a fashionista.  Not in the slightest.   Work clothes have to do dual duty and fit into leisure attire as well.  Also, since I walk to and from work in all kinds of weather they have to fit into that activity.    I consider it daunting to go out shopping for new clothes at any point.   Well, when I 'have' to go out.   Now it's a whole new game.    Women's clothes are made for those with breasts...no matter how small, they have some allowance for something at the top.   Yes, that's what darts are there for,

There have been many who broken ground before me, 'going flat'  (ie.  mastectomy with no reconstruction) but based on what I've found by referencing blogs and discussion boards on the topic, there is no one who has addressed the unique fashion needs.    There's a market for something here!!

The key is to keep focus off the chest.   There are a few tricks without having to resort to prosthetics.   An obvious one - no low cut dresses.   Darn I guess I'll have to ditch all my Cher based attire.    HA!  Yeah, like I could pull one of those off pre-surgery!   Next, change the focus to your waist.   Well, I guess I better find mine.   Next helpful tip - Wear flares.   Really?  And when was this article written?Next up, opt for halter tops.    Ok...I'm pretty sure that a halter was designed to house something or hold something up.   One that was truly practical for me was to use for all the beautiful scarves gifted to me to deal with my bald period.   Scarves are good camouflage or distraction.   Maybe I could make a few into halter tops!! :)

Not that I think that the focus for women's clothing is all about breasts, but when you are in a conversation with someone about breast cancer, you automatically feel the gaze to your chest area.   Well, why not?  That's what you are talking about.

No complaints.  Not in the slightest - other than having to revamp the attire.   I love getting up and throwing on a t-shirt to start my day - not worrying about 'showing' anything.   No need to put on a bra.   Nothing binding, pinching or wire sticking into my ribs.   Who invented those things anyway?   Sorry to say it was a woman.   Yup.   We brought this on ourselves ladies.on

So where do I head next?  To the juniors or pre-teen department?   Fortunately my stature works well with this approach.   Not a bad idea.   It would mean no more hemming, and likely could stretch my dollar farther.   Hmmm...something to consider but I promise, you won't see me walking around the office or going out for a movie in the latest Hello Kitty attire.