Apparently we have a lot of writers in our family although no one is making a complete living from it. It was suggested by a few that I start a blog to share my story. I'll warn you. Rarely do I write short letters or notes.
I've always felt in tune with my body. I push it to the limits some times mentally and physically but am very aware when it is whispering to me and sometimes shouting - 'somethings not right'. It is at those times that I sit back take it in and reflect - what's not right? how am I feeling? how am I presenting myself? The answers only come when I slow down and breathe. Much like a short walk break in the middle of a long run - a check in.
In the late summer, early Fall of 2013 I started to get those messages. Sore right shoulder and arm, slight bruising type pain under my arms. The fact that I spend a lot of time on a computer at work, mousing, I took this in as early signs of repetitive strain which I've always monitored. I switched my mouse to the left side, adjusted the placement of my keyboard and desk height. After a few weeks that helped to ease much of the tightness in my shoulder. Some of the bruising feeling was still there. So on to next possibility.
I play soccer in a non-competitive league but to be honest, I play a little less gently than most players. As a result I get bumped around a bit. Also do to my short stature I'm regularly coming off the field with bruises from elbows of those taller than me. Typically the arms which seem permanently bruised. One of the ways to stop a ball is to 'take it on the chest'. I hate this and will avoid at all costs - including my nose - but there are occasions when a ball will whack you in the chest - doesn't matter if you are well endowed or not it hurts. So, a few bruises or a few aches in the chest area are not uncommon. A good way to reason away any worry about the tenderness or tightness I felt. But, it didn't go away.
Next step, check in with my GP - twice just to make sure and low and behold on second time out he agreed that there was definitely something worth checking out. Quick trip for an ultrasound a week later and initial analysis by the doctor reviewing the ultrasound - a 'highly suspicious lump' - and it was pretty clear to me that the official results would be that this was malignant. By this point it's late November so I'm rushing to find a way to get some clarity and/or confirmed diagnosis before everyone cuts out for holidays over Christmas and New Years. For me it was important to know where I stood at the beginning of the year. A very sympathetic receptionist in the GP's office helped to push things through. I was in for needle biopsy and results confirmed by my GP December 16th, meeting with the surgeon on the 18th just as he left for holidays and finally surgery booked for the 9th of January.
Along with all this, the surgeon and GP were very confident that this would be a simple lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy with favorable results. I like to believe in them but I still had it in my mind that this was going to be more. I was sure that if they read my tarot cards at that time that they'd definitely pull the 'chemo' card - if one existed.
At this point I shared the news with no one - I wanted for myself and my family to have a nice, peaceful, quiet Christmas - focused only on that. I didn't have enough news to share. In hindsight I also did not know enough about what a diagnosis might look like, how I'd have to manage that diagnosis and what decisions I might have to make.
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