Friday, 31 January 2014
Under the knife
My good friend Jo-Ann asked to come keep me company at the hospital before my surgery as I ran between departments checking in, getting filled with nuclear substances and going under scans. It was a perfect distraction and a great way to do what we usually do together - walk and talk.
We walked to the hospital and I was given a schedule of where to check in over the next few hours. They handed me my chart and set me off. So, now I had an hour - ok - let's walk. Out of the hospital with my hospital band and chart walking through the neighbourhood. Check in, get nuked and off for another walk taking the time to read my chart on the way. Back to get scanned, given back my chart and some other woman's chart - lucky she was watching them and grabbed it. Once at pre-op they lectured me for not coming to see them first - apparently they were waiting for me all morning - guess I was out walking - but as I pointed out - they were 4th on my schedule so I was on track. Don't push this one on me - tell the girl at admissions to update her material - oh and by the way tell them in nuclear medicine that they should watch whose charts they hand out. Yes, I could fix that system - but wait - I'm hear to be treated - leave it alone.
Last thing I remember saying to everyone in the operating room before surgery was that I never felt like I'd been so pampered as I had so many nurses, doctors, anesthetists prepping me. Would they please do my nails? God knows what I babbled to them after that - they must hear it all.
Surgery - 2 inch incision on the breast and 1 inch incision under my arm for lymph nodes.
I got gold stars in recovery and was out of there 2 hours early. My daughter picked me up and we cabbed home - very much feeling no pain or much of anything. I know that I don't need or handle pain meds very well so I took a day worth of T3's and then decided that I needed to think clearly so by day 2 I was on regular tylenol. Felt pretty good - actually feeling very little. The best was yet to come.
When the numbness fades
Fortunately I've not had any major surgery in my life. Tonsilectomy, 3 c sections, and a cyst removed a few years back. Now a lumpectomy and sentinal node biopsy. For a bit of background, the sentinel node biopsy means they take out a few lymph nodes under the arm and then test to see if they have cancerous cells. So, with the lumpectomy there's an incision on the breast and then sentinal node means an incision under the arm.
Breast incision wasn't bad. Tenderness, swelling, and a world of colour from bruising. Like something you might expect from a soccer game gone really wrong. But it was pretty numb for the first week. So thought that was about it. Then my boob woke up. Like something you might expect from a soccer game gone really wrong. The incision under my arm however has driven me up the wall. Redness, inflamed. If I could wear men's sleeveless undershirts everywhere I would be fine, but that's not practical. Once inflamed the only relief is lying down with my arm resting on pillow slightly raised and away from my body. That's how I'd sleep.
So I thought that was about it. Then my boob woke up and swelled up some more, so now it hurt to where my men's attire so I look for support - not emotional. Anything I put on - aggravated the incision under my arm so by 2 pm I was ripping off clothes while in the car, eating dinner, in the office. I can remove a sports bra with ease and not much of scene without removing a shirt/sweater.
Thank you, thank you to my wonder sisters for gifts of dresses with great built in support and shirts with wide arms. They make my day tolerable.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Sharing the News - sounds so positive doesn't it?
New Years - Tofino, BC. Who can stress or worry while in Tofino? All is beautiful in Tofino. Great place to spend with family and just chill. There's lots to do there but many reasons not to do anything.
Just before heading out to Tofino I messaged out to my immediate family my diagnosis. The idea being that they could digest the news first and respond in their own time and I'd be away from the phone (although I had e-mail) so I could shut off correspondence as I wished. I also included a few of my close friends - those who I knew could support me and not put me in a position where I felt that I needed to support them.
Handling the diagnosis is one emotional ride, but sharing the news with others is just as much of a trip. Takes a lot of emotional energy to tell the story over and over again. I guess also a good way to own the story - after telling it so many times.
A few days before New Years I shared with my kids, 19, 17 and 15. Too much for them to take in but now we could talk about it - the upcoming surgery, recovery and possible treatment. Shock, avoidance, fear, and a few jokes to cut the tension. Namely my bumpy scalp, which creeps them out and how horrible it would look with no hair. It was perfect to have the few days together and long ride home to feel out how we were all handling things.
Next, my soccer team - I'm not going to be playing games for a while after surgery and then who knows. Great supportive group of women and I made the mistake of telling a group of them in person rather than by e-mail - sorry gals for putting you on the spot like that!
Ok - so now it's out there. It's real.
Starting out
Apparently we have a lot of writers in our family although no one is making a complete living from it. It was suggested by a few that I start a blog to share my story. I'll warn you. Rarely do I write short letters or notes.
I've always felt in tune with my body. I push it to the limits some times mentally and physically but am very aware when it is whispering to me and sometimes shouting - 'somethings not right'. It is at those times that I sit back take it in and reflect - what's not right? how am I feeling? how am I presenting myself? The answers only come when I slow down and breathe. Much like a short walk break in the middle of a long run - a check in.
In the late summer, early Fall of 2013 I started to get those messages. Sore right shoulder and arm, slight bruising type pain under my arms. The fact that I spend a lot of time on a computer at work, mousing, I took this in as early signs of repetitive strain which I've always monitored. I switched my mouse to the left side, adjusted the placement of my keyboard and desk height. After a few weeks that helped to ease much of the tightness in my shoulder. Some of the bruising feeling was still there. So on to next possibility.
I play soccer in a non-competitive league but to be honest, I play a little less gently than most players. As a result I get bumped around a bit. Also do to my short stature I'm regularly coming off the field with bruises from elbows of those taller than me. Typically the arms which seem permanently bruised. One of the ways to stop a ball is to 'take it on the chest'. I hate this and will avoid at all costs - including my nose - but there are occasions when a ball will whack you in the chest - doesn't matter if you are well endowed or not it hurts. So, a few bruises or a few aches in the chest area are not uncommon. A good way to reason away any worry about the tenderness or tightness I felt. But, it didn't go away.
Next step, check in with my GP - twice just to make sure and low and behold on second time out he agreed that there was definitely something worth checking out. Quick trip for an ultrasound a week later and initial analysis by the doctor reviewing the ultrasound - a 'highly suspicious lump' - and it was pretty clear to me that the official results would be that this was malignant. By this point it's late November so I'm rushing to find a way to get some clarity and/or confirmed diagnosis before everyone cuts out for holidays over Christmas and New Years. For me it was important to know where I stood at the beginning of the year. A very sympathetic receptionist in the GP's office helped to push things through. I was in for needle biopsy and results confirmed by my GP December 16th, meeting with the surgeon on the 18th just as he left for holidays and finally surgery booked for the 9th of January.
Along with all this, the surgeon and GP were very confident that this would be a simple lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy with favorable results. I like to believe in them but I still had it in my mind that this was going to be more. I was sure that if they read my tarot cards at that time that they'd definitely pull the 'chemo' card - if one existed.
At this point I shared the news with no one - I wanted for myself and my family to have a nice, peaceful, quiet Christmas - focused only on that. I didn't have enough news to share. In hindsight I also did not know enough about what a diagnosis might look like, how I'd have to manage that diagnosis and what decisions I might have to make.
I've always felt in tune with my body. I push it to the limits some times mentally and physically but am very aware when it is whispering to me and sometimes shouting - 'somethings not right'. It is at those times that I sit back take it in and reflect - what's not right? how am I feeling? how am I presenting myself? The answers only come when I slow down and breathe. Much like a short walk break in the middle of a long run - a check in.
In the late summer, early Fall of 2013 I started to get those messages. Sore right shoulder and arm, slight bruising type pain under my arms. The fact that I spend a lot of time on a computer at work, mousing, I took this in as early signs of repetitive strain which I've always monitored. I switched my mouse to the left side, adjusted the placement of my keyboard and desk height. After a few weeks that helped to ease much of the tightness in my shoulder. Some of the bruising feeling was still there. So on to next possibility.
I play soccer in a non-competitive league but to be honest, I play a little less gently than most players. As a result I get bumped around a bit. Also do to my short stature I'm regularly coming off the field with bruises from elbows of those taller than me. Typically the arms which seem permanently bruised. One of the ways to stop a ball is to 'take it on the chest'. I hate this and will avoid at all costs - including my nose - but there are occasions when a ball will whack you in the chest - doesn't matter if you are well endowed or not it hurts. So, a few bruises or a few aches in the chest area are not uncommon. A good way to reason away any worry about the tenderness or tightness I felt. But, it didn't go away.
Next step, check in with my GP - twice just to make sure and low and behold on second time out he agreed that there was definitely something worth checking out. Quick trip for an ultrasound a week later and initial analysis by the doctor reviewing the ultrasound - a 'highly suspicious lump' - and it was pretty clear to me that the official results would be that this was malignant. By this point it's late November so I'm rushing to find a way to get some clarity and/or confirmed diagnosis before everyone cuts out for holidays over Christmas and New Years. For me it was important to know where I stood at the beginning of the year. A very sympathetic receptionist in the GP's office helped to push things through. I was in for needle biopsy and results confirmed by my GP December 16th, meeting with the surgeon on the 18th just as he left for holidays and finally surgery booked for the 9th of January.
Along with all this, the surgeon and GP were very confident that this would be a simple lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy with favorable results. I like to believe in them but I still had it in my mind that this was going to be more. I was sure that if they read my tarot cards at that time that they'd definitely pull the 'chemo' card - if one existed.
At this point I shared the news with no one - I wanted for myself and my family to have a nice, peaceful, quiet Christmas - focused only on that. I didn't have enough news to share. In hindsight I also did not know enough about what a diagnosis might look like, how I'd have to manage that diagnosis and what decisions I might have to make.
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